There Will Be Blood
Here is a movie that fully and aptly explains everything you need to know about oil companies. Daniel Day-Lewis plays the thoroughly dispicable Daniel Plainview. Plainview is an obsessed, hate-filled oil man who wants to do little more than take everybody for everything they own in his own personal gain and fortune. Watch Plainview throw a Minister under the bus, watch Plainview throw a community under the bus, watch Plainview throw his own son under the bus on three different occasions! You get the idea.
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Pee-wee’s Big Adventure
Possibly Tim Burton’s best movie was his first box office hit, Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. After watching this movie you’ll understand why. At no point in time do you get the idea that Burton was sneaking around in the background saying things like, “We need to edit this script. It needs to be more edgy… It needs to be more weeeeird… It needs to be darker, jsut like me.” In fact, I think Burton kept his predictable dead obsessed mitts of the majority of the script because he had actually met someone darker, edgier and weirder than he could ever hope to be: Paul Reubens.
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Real Genius
First things first: This is possibly the worst DVD cover of all time. Val Kilmer looks like a gay man with a goider on the side of his head. Rest assured that at no time during the movie does Kilmer actually look like this. Oddly enough, one of the protagonists in the movie, Mitch Taylor spends virtually the whole movie wearing a Dickey. This would make it one of the great Dickey movies up there with Animal House where the character Chip Diller also prominently features wearing Dickeys.
This movie is hard to take since we are forced to believe that Kilmer is a slovenly genius comedian out to save the world. I guess you would have to say that Kilmer is a blilliant actor since this plays completely counter to his image in real life.
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12 Angry Men
This just shows what a waste of money jury trials are and how much more efficient the courts would be with better attorneys. Here’s what gets me about this whole movie: it wasn’t even necessary! If they would have just had Perry Mason in the courtroom, they could have had this whole thing wrapped in 60 mins (including commercial breaks) instead of an hour and a half.
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The Fifth Element
You wonder what Harry Canyon of Heavy Metal fame does when he’s not baggin’ babes and chasing down the Loc-Nar? Apparently he’s got ultimate warrior chicks raining down from the sky into his cab. By the way, who the hell names the ultimate warrior Leeloo and why does she have a bad hair coloring job? Orange hair with peroxide blond roots? This is meant to inspire fear and impending doom in the bad guys she fights? Most likely the only fear it would inspire is if the bad guy uses the same hair dresser.
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Children of Men
First off, men don’t have children women do. If that’s what they are trying to do in the future, that pretty much explains why no children are being born anymore. My solution to this conundrum? Try impregnating women instead. Problem solved. Case closed.
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Joe Versus the Volcano
If you watch this movie, you better like Meg Ryan because this movie stars Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Dan Hedaya and Meg Ryan.
Obviously filmed with my boss writing the dialog: “But can he do the job. I know he can get the job but can he DO the job? I’m NOT arguing that with you. I’m not arguing that with YOU. I’m not ARGUING that with you. I’m not ARGUING that with you Harry! Harry… Harry… Yeah Harry… but can he DO the job. I know he can GET the job but can he do the job?”
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Silent Running
Long before there was Eco-terrorism there was this charming little story about homicidal tree-hugger in space and Joan Baez. Bruce Dern goes wacko when he and his crew are told they have to kill the last of the forests kept in geodesic domes in space. Instead Dern kills all his crew mates and listens to Joan Baez tunes while falling in love with some robots. In the end, Dern does what any self-loathing homicidal tree-hugger would do and makes the ultimate sacrifice for nature by committing suicide… All while listening to more Joan Baez tunes. It’s such a happy and uplifting movie. Please remove all sharp objects from the room before viewing.
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No Country for Old Men
Big warning: If you’re stupid, don’t watch this movie. You won’t get it. You’ll complain about how violent it is. You bitch about how slow it is. You’ll scream about how it ends open ended. Just do yourself a favor and get a nice tidy little movie like ‘Hot Stuff’ with Dome DeLuise and pop it into your VHS player (since I am sure you don’t even know there are DVDs and Blu-Ray).
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Batman Begins
Where’s the fucking Joker? You can’t have Batman without the fucking Joker. Who’s this Ra’s Al Ghul guy? He fucking sits in a chair and doesn’t do jack. I want my Joker now. I don’t care if it’s Cesar Romero or Jack Nicholson: Put on some damned white face and let’s get our villain on!
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