Stuff I Like

You wonder what Harry Canyon of Heavy Metal fame does when he’s not baggin’ babes and chasing down the Loc-Nar? Apparently he’s got ultimate warrior chicks raining down from the sky into his cab.  By the way, who the hell names the ultimate warrior Leeloo and why does she have a bad hair coloring job? Orange hair with peroxide blond roots? This is meant to inspire fear and impending doom in the bad guys she fights? Most likely the only fear it would inspire is if the bad guy uses the same hair dresser.

Rating:

Where’s the fucking Joker? You can’t have Batman without the fucking Joker. Who’s this Ra’s Al Ghul guy? He fucking sits in a chair and doesn’t do jack. I want my Joker now. I don’t care if it’s Cesar Romero or Jack Nicholson: Put on some damned white face and let’s get our villain on!

Rating:

OK, so I’m watching this thing. It doesn’t start getting even remotely interesting until the Spaniard, Russell Crowe, gets to Rome. At that point I have only one question: Why in Hell’s name doesn’t Emperor Commodus just kill the mutha? He’s the fuckin’ Emperor for Christ’s sake! He’s all powerful; he’s the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth. No… He can’t kill the Spaniard. Instead he keeps wandering out into the middle of the Colosseum and sniveling questions like, “Who are you gladiator”. “What’s your favorite color gladiator”, “do you like my new shoes gladiator”.

No wonder they named the commode after Commodus: They are both full of shit.

Rating:

This is yet another re-imaging of the Richard Matheson sci-fi classic ‘I Am Legend’, which outside of the title, bares no real resemblance to this movie. Charlton Heston had a ‘go’ at this in the superior The Omega Man. This time around, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air takes on flesh eating cartoon super Zombies and loses. Oops, I think that was an unannounced spoiler there.

Rating:

There are three movies in this box set, so here’s three reviews:

Raiders of the Lost Ark – Good stuff. Recalls the old serials of the 1930s and 1940s.

Temple of Doom – Obviously George Lucas had a little Ewok-gasm while they were writing this script. Steven Spielberg took the Ewoks and reworked them to be little kids like he had a penchant for doing in every movie he ever did that contained a suck factor.

Last Crusade – Lucas and Spielberg realize they almost destroyed the franchise with there last movie so they hire Sean Connery to play Sean Connery acting like Harrison Ford’s dad and bring in soon to be dead teen heart-throb River Phoenix to be young Indiana Jones.

Rating:

Part of the Charlton Heston Sci-Fi trilogy (The Omega Man, Soylent Green, Planet of the Apes), this movie tells the tale of Army Colonel Robert Neville and his lonely quest to find a vaccine to rid the world of badly dressed albinos and ‘get himself a little somethin’ from Rosalind Cash. Anthony Zerbe plays the head of the albinos and had a penchant for burning books and medieval war machines.

Possibly the best scene in the movie is the one where Heston is sitting in an old theater watching Woodstock repeating the lines from the movie with his gun by his side. In one fell swoop, Heston’s whole political career is encapsulated in 30 seconds.

Rating:

Here’s a movie I am surprised made the cut to DVD. This is a Gregg Araki masterpiece/chaotic mess. This is probably the most self-destructive, violent rage filled movie he ever made. His next movie: Doom Generation is almost refined in comparison. Essentially what you are looking at here is a road movie about two HIV+ guys who fall in and out of love and partake of a decent amount of crime and violence along the way.

If you like Cult style movies and aren’t afraid of a little gay with your viewing, I’m HIV positive you’ll like this.

Rating: