Stuff I Like

First things first: This is possibly the worst DVD cover of all time. Val Kilmer looks like a gay man with a goider on the side of his head. Rest assured that at no time during the movie does Kilmer actually look like this. Oddly enough, one of the protagonists in the movie, Mitch Taylor spends virtually the whole movie wearing a Dickey. This would make it one of the great Dickey movies up there with Animal House where the character Chip Diller also prominently features wearing Dickeys.

This movie is hard to take since we are forced to believe that Kilmer is a slovenly genius comedian out to save the world. I guess you would have to say that Kilmer is a blilliant actor since this plays completely counter to his image in real life.

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You wonder what Harry Canyon of Heavy Metal fame does when he’s not baggin’ babes and chasing down the Loc-Nar? Apparently he’s got ultimate warrior chicks raining down from the sky into his cab.  By the way, who the hell names the ultimate warrior Leeloo and why does she have a bad hair coloring job? Orange hair with peroxide blond roots? This is meant to inspire fear and impending doom in the bad guys she fights? Most likely the only fear it would inspire is if the bad guy uses the same hair dresser.

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First off, men don’t have children women do. If that’s what they are trying to do in the future, that pretty much explains why no children are being born anymore. My solution to this conundrum? Try impregnating women instead. Problem solved. Case closed.

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Long before there was Eco-terrorism there was this charming little story about homicidal tree-hugger in space and Joan Baez. Bruce Dern goes wacko when he and his crew are told they have to kill the last of the forests kept in geodesic domes in space. Instead Dern kills all his crew mates and listens to Joan Baez tunes while falling in love with some robots. In the end, Dern does what any self-loathing homicidal tree-hugger would do and makes the ultimate sacrifice for nature by committing suicide… All while listening to more Joan Baez tunes. It’s such a happy and uplifting movie. Please remove all sharp objects from the room before viewing.

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Where’s the fucking Joker? You can’t have Batman without the fucking Joker. Who’s this Ra’s Al Ghul guy? He fucking sits in a chair and doesn’t do jack. I want my Joker now. I don’t care if it’s Cesar Romero or Jack Nicholson: Put on some damned white face and let’s get our villain on!

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Interested in movies about hair, finger nails, dandruff, flaky skin, blood and urine? This movie has tons! For an hour and a half Jude Law scrapes hair and skin off and pees into a bag. Ethan Hawke sticks Law’s ‘leavings’ all over himself and tapes a bag of urine to his leg. Periodically this is all interrupted by a bizarre Medical Technician who makes off-handed comments about Hawke’s penis.

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This is yet another re-imaging of the Richard Matheson sci-fi classic ‘I Am Legend’, which outside of the title, bares no real resemblance to this movie. Charlton Heston had a ‘go’ at this in the superior The Omega Man. This time around, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air takes on flesh eating cartoon super Zombies and loses. Oops, I think that was an unannounced spoiler there.

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A quick explanation for all you non-Christians out there. If you are Christian, you believe that if you commit suicide you go straight to Hell. I popped this movie into the DVD player and about half way through it, I killed myself. I revived and found myself somewhere in the bowels of Hell, strapped into a chair and still watching this fucking movie.

Apparently movie critics and movie students all over the world love this movie and are fond of telling you that if you don’t ‘get it’, you won’t like it. I watched it, I get it… It’s a piece of shit.

I will attempt to explain the movie for you: Somewhere in the future Robert Duvall is going to stop taking drugs, fall in love, the government is going to kill his wife, Duvall is going to race and run through a bunch of tunnels and then sees the sunrise… It takes George Lucas 88 minutes of your valuable life to get this all done. I did the same thing for you in less than 10 seconds.

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Part of the Charlton Heston Sci-Fi trilogy (The Omega Man, Soylent Green, Planet of the Apes), this movie tells the tale of Army Colonel Robert Neville and his lonely quest to find a vaccine to rid the world of badly dressed albinos and ‘get himself a little somethin’ from Rosalind Cash. Anthony Zerbe plays the head of the albinos and had a penchant for burning books and medieval war machines.

Possibly the best scene in the movie is the one where Heston is sitting in an old theater watching Woodstock repeating the lines from the movie with his gun by his side. In one fell swoop, Heston’s whole political career is encapsulated in 30 seconds.

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I only had to sit through about 150,000 hours of Harry Potter crap before I finally got to a movie I liked. Normally I would put one of these movies in the DVD player and then about an hour into it I would start getting the urge to slit my own wrists and end it all. This one was actually engaging, the special affects worked pretty well and didn’t draw attention to themselves and say, “Look! I’m a fucking special affect! You like me?” The only time I felt the movie was a bit off-putting is when Haggis’ (whatever the hell his name is) brother popped in looking like a filthy Cabbage Patch Doll.

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